About Gayle

On Becoming a Mediator

Before becoming a mediator in 2014, in my experience, being a neutral was only for citizens of Switzerland. In fact, I unquestionably accepted the first version of any story I happened to hear as the undeniable truth. I had no interest in the other person’s side of the conflict and listened halfheartedly to their details since, to me, their side was irrelevant and that had always been with me. Welcome to my old world of flawed thinking.

As I sat in courtrooms day after day, however, and listened to testimony from both parties, my perspective began to change drastically. I began to actively listen to the actual evidence, pay attention to details, and question myself in my own head. Confronted with this change, I was won over to the amazing benefits of mediating instead of litigating a case. Litigation was all about judge and jury, while mediation was about each party’s personal control of the outcome. I was hooked on mediation.

How interesting and informative it was to finally hear the other side of the story from a different perspective. Accusations could be unfounded! Wow! The value of being a neutral and impartial third party was priceless, and it radiated out into other areas of my life such as personal relationships and situational analysis. Active listening became my raison d’être. Mediation highlighted the value of a “win-win” negotiation and resulting potential for a settlement. Mediation can and does empower the parties to reach an agreement they can both live with. This is what I hope both the parties will take away from mediation and one of the most valuable lessons I learned.

Once I entered the mediation room, one of the most common misconceptions people have about the mediation process surfaced quickly. Both defendant and plaintiff wanted to repeatedly talk about how they had been disrespected or wronged by the other side. How they wanted to win in court and collect major damages from the other side. Each side became angrier as they told of the unfairness of what had transpired between them or that they had been disrespected by the other. One of the most important jobs of a mediator is to redirect the conversation forward, and this is no easy feat. Repeat, review, redirect, reteach, and move the conversation forward is my mantra, and former teachers who had successful careers as educators like me know this from years of experience in the classroom or outside of it for that matter. An effective mediator knows how to “get under the hood” in a mediation in order to identify what emotions are under the surface and how these positions are stymying the process. The mediator can then grasp the positions of each side and emphasize the interests of both parties. The goal is to move away from our positions and lean into our interests. We want the parties to look forward, not backward.

Moving forward means moving on from statements such as, “If only such and such had not occurred in the past, we wouldn’t be here now.” But it did occur and we are here now. Past details belong in the past as we move on to a settlement that both parties control.

What are the values that led me to mediation and to the Mediation Center of Los Angeles?

First, I’ve spent my entire career in service to others in my community and in my retirement I am continuing to do the same.

My colleagues and fellow mediators at MCLA have a deep grasp of what it is to be a neutral third party, and to share their professional expertise by helping others. Most of our group are attorneys; some like me are not. However, we share the same vision and that is helping others to resolve their conflicts in a “fair and equitable way.”